Dear Friends -
You’ve built a life together – careers, home, family, milestones. But now you’re facing one (or two) of those big transitions: the children are leaving home and/or you’re approaching retirement (or already there). How do you ensure that your marriage doesn’t just survive but thrives in this new phase?
In his recent piece (gift article), Arthur Brooks reminds us that what keeps a marriage strong over decades isn’t the initial spark of attraction but the deeper qualities that grow over time.
For couples in the “next chapter” phase, that takeaway couldn’t be more relevant. Let’s take those three rules and examine them through the lens of empty-nesting + retirement, then explore how you and your partner can use them to intentionally redesign your life together.
The three rules (per Brooks)
“Slap on the cuffs.”
Brooks uses this somewhat tongue-in-cheek phrase to emphasise cultivating dependability and complete loyalty. The idea: the relationship isn’t a contract of convenience but a committed partnership that endures.Translated to your phase: When careers slow down or end, and children move out, the structure of your shared life changes. One of you might go from full-time employment to “what’s next?”, or both may downshift. That’s when the “dependability” piece becomes vital. It’s not just “I leave at 7 and come back at 6” but “I’m here for our shared life—and I’m committed.”
Tip: Schedule a “Transition Conversation” with your spouse:
What has our partnership looked like until now (roles, routines, identity)?
Which parts will change when the kids leave / when we retire?
What expectations do we want to keep? What do we want to redefine?
How will we show up for each other in this next phase (daily rhythms, weekly rituals, support when one of us flounders)?
“Stay positive.”
Brooks points out that long-term pairings rely on abundant positive emotional behaviour: humor, enthusiasm, validation, and acceptance. Negativity can erode the bond.In this phase: Empty-nest + retirement can bring surprises: loss of previous identity, feelings of “what now?”, new rhythms (or no rhythm), maybe even tension over how to spend time together. It’s easy for negativity (boredom, regret, resentment) to creep in.
Tip: Create a “positivity pact.” For instance:
Each week, share three things you appreciated about the other person’s presence.
Create a small “fun” ritual (e.g., Sunday morning coffee together, or a 30-minute walk) that’s consistently positive and non-work-related.
If one of you is grappling with a loss of role (career, parenting, identity), schedule a check-in (10 minutes) to say: “Here’s what’s hard right now … here’s what still energizes me.”
“Grow in spirit—together.”
Brooks emphasizes a shared spiritual or meaning‐making life. Whether religious or not, couples who invest together in something larger than themselves deepen their connection.
In this next chapter: With more time, fewer external “busy” commitments, this is an opportunity rather than a risk. You can ask: What do we believe in? What impact do we want to make? How will we spend the next 10, 20, 30 years together so the relationship isn’t just about “what we’ve done” but “what we’re becoming”?Tip:
Define a shared mission for the next chapter (e.g., travel + volunteering, arts + community service, mentoring younger couples or professionals).
Choose a “project” you’ll do together for the next year: could be a joint learning (photography, wine appreciation), or a local service activity (community garden, tutoring).
If you’re faith-based: commit to a spiritual practice together (meditation, prayer, retreat, pilgrimage). If secular: pick an “existential check-in” once a quarter: What matters to us now? How are we living it? What needs adjusting?
Why transitions like the empty-nest + retirement make this moment pivotal
When children move out, you may finally have the time, space and energy to focus on each other again. But without intention, you might drift into parallel lives—or one spouse may feel left behind while the other moves on.
Retirement (or part-retirement) changes one or both of your identities: from “busy professional” to “what am I now?” That can trigger loss of meaning, adjustment stress, or misalignment in the relationship.
Together, these changes can either bring you closer (a third act together) or expose weaknesses you ignored when life was busier. The three rules above are essentially guardrails.
In risking stagnation, you also gain opportunity: More freedom to ask “What now?” and to build a partnership that thrives not despite these changes, but because you approached them intentionally.
AI Prompts for Couples Redesigning Life Together
Prompt 1: The Empty Nest Reset
“We’ve recently become empty nesters (or are about to). Help us reflect on how our daily life, relationship, and sense of purpose are shifting.
Ask us 5 questions that help us describe what our days looked like before the kids left and what they look like now.
Then guide us to identify 3 opportunities this transition opens up for our relationship, and 3 habits we might need to release.
End by helping us draft a shared “vision statement” for our next chapter together.”
Prompt 2: Redefining Roles After Retirement
“One or both of us are transitioning into retirement. We’d like help rediscovering our roles, structure, and shared purpose.
Start by asking us a few questions about our careers: what parts we loved, what parts we won’t miss, and what we each want more of now.
Then help us explore how to rebalance our daily time — solo, shared, and social.
Conclude by suggesting 2–3 weekly rituals or experiments we can try to strengthen connection and create a sense of momentum.”
Prompt 3: Designing a Shared Third Act
“We’ve spent decades focused on work and family. Now we want to intentionally design our “Third Act” — a chapter that blends meaning, freedom, and fun.
Ask us about our shared values, favorite memories, and what makes us feel most alive — separately and together.
Use our answers to propose 3 possible “themes” for our Third Act (for example: exploration, contribution, creativity).
For the theme that resonates most, outline a 30/60/90-day plan that includes a small daily ritual, a weekly connection practice, and one bold goal.”
Prompt 4: Strengthening the Friendship Beneath the Marriage
“We’ve been married for over [insert number] years. We want to reconnect not just as partners, but as friends.
Ask us to recall moments when we laughed the most together or felt truly “on the same team.”
Help us identify what conditions made those moments possible.
Then suggest a list of 5 “micro-moments” we could recreate in everyday life — small things that rebuild playfulness, admiration, and affection.”
Prompt 5: Creating a Shared Sense of Purpose
“We want to explore a shared purpose beyond work or parenting.
Ask us each to describe what legacy or contribution feels most meaningful now.
Help us find overlap — values, causes, or experiences that energize both of us.
Based on our answers, propose 3 ways we could live that purpose together (volunteering, mentoring, travel with intention, creative projects).
Close by helping us write a “shared purpose statement” that captures who we want to be together in this next chapter.”
Closing & Takeaway
If your marriage has weathered careers, children, deadlines, and shifting roles, you already have proof that the two of you can evolve together. Now you’re invited to re-evolve—not by repeating old patterns, but by asking a simple question: What do we want this next chapter to look like, together?
Brooks reminds us that lasting marriages aren’t built on keeping what first attracted you. They thrive when you nurture what keeps you connected now: dependability, positivity, and shared meaning.
You don’t have to wait for the perfect moment. The moment is now.
Design a next chapter where your relationship not only lasts, but grows stronger.
If you and your spouse want a guided way to do this work—to clarify what each of you wants, reconnect around shared purpose, and create an aligned plan for your third act—I’d be honored to support you. Reach out and we can explore what that might look like.
Warmly,
Cara Gray
Third Act Consultant, CPRC, CEPA
P.S. If you want to start planning your third act, set up a time on my calendar for a chat: Schedule a Chat with Cara